There is nothing wrong with saving sex for marriage. In fact, there is everything right with it. Virginity is honourable and healthy, and while some may not think so, there is beauty in giving your body to just one person all the days of your life. However, people who marry as virgins face challenges and abstinence gets a bad rap as a result. Here are just 5 of the mistakes that create problems:
1. Not cultivating an open mind: Sexual repression is something many Nigerian women still struggle with, even in marriage. I believe the church has to learn how to raise girls who are pure and yet not repressed. One wife said to me nearly two years after her wedding night, “Sometimes when I have sex with my husband it still feels like a sin.” This is certainly not something that brings God joy; He created sex to be enjoyed without guilt. If you’re keeping your virginity until marriage, do so with the knowledge that sex in marriage is God-ordained and should be enjoyed to the fullest.
2. Being Unprepared: It’s hard to believe but there are still many young women who attempt to have sex for the first time with no lubricant, and no arrangements to clean up the blood (if any; not all virgins bleed) and semen. Sex is as messy as it is amazing. It can also be uncomfortable not just the first time, but the first few times. In fact, for some, uncomfortable is putting it mildly. I had to apologise to a friend who told me after her wedding night, “Joy, you didn’t tell me this thing was going to be soooo painful! It’s not fair!” I should have told her- it would have made it better, not worse. Be prepared. Read, ask questions, and learn. I’m not talking about learning techniques here. I’m talking about things like if you clench your muscles it will hurt more so it’s best to relax; if your virgin bride is fully aroused it doesn’t just create wetness but also causes the vaginal canal to elongate so that she can take more of you, so don’t rush things just because you have lube. Also, if it hurts too much it’s okay to stop, play, and resume. And so on. I recommend Tim and Beverly LaHaye’s The Act of Marriage. Awesome book packed with practical tips for beginners.
3. Expecting the first time- or first few times- to be perfect: “How long till it starts to feel good, Joy?” This is another question I get asked a lot. The truth is, it depends on a lot of factors, but the bottom line is that sex gets better the more you do it. So, keep at it, explore your bodies and learn what feels good. I’ve met wives who were made to feel bad about marrying as virgins and told that their sex lives would be better if they had some experience. This is cow poo. It’s not the before or after marriage that makes sex great. Good sex takes time, period. Sex in marriage isn’t about performance. You don’t have to practice before you show up, it’s not a presentation. All the practicing you need to do, you can do in marriage. You have the rest of your lives together.
4. Wanting to do everything at once: You want to do a hand job, blow job, give head and have sex in 7 positions all on your honeymoon. Slow down, friends. This is especially vital for brides who haven’t been sexually intimate at all before marriage (you know there are virgin-virgins and there are virgins who have done “everything but”). You can’t go from zero to ten just like that. Husband, please don’t rush your virgin bride; this is very important. She needs to get used to being seen naked, being touched, being penetrated…give her as much time as she needs, please. If you scratch an itch based on the way it itches, you’ll peel your skin. You want to create pleasant memories as much as possible, so take it slow.
5. Not prioritizing the relationship outside the bedroom: It is the relationship that determines the quality of the sex, not the other way around. So during the phase where you’re straightening out the kinks, don’t give in to the temptation to turn away from each other simply because sex doesn’t seem to be going as expected; it’s a trap. Turn towards each other instead.
Happy married life, happy married sex!
Some practical advice: My twin brother Dr. Olamide Craig wrote a very helpful article about virginity and painful sex, in answer to a lady who lamented about not being able to have sex even 2 months after the wedding night… Read it HERE, and remember that even hubby’s fingers can help make penetration easier, and patience is key!