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Hilarious: How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

 

 

Found on Facebook.

Inspiration

I Got The Answers Wrong!

My friend Chojare shared this on Facebook in 2009 (I’d forgotten it until FB dug it up this year!) and I thought you should see it too. Enjoy!

 

As Jesus aptly put it: Unless you become like unto one of these little ones you will not enter into the kingdom of God (paraphrased). This is a lesson for all one-track minded people. Read on, and open your minds!

Read through with a clear mind. And please don’t get the last ten questions wrong. And remember you don’t presume you know the answer.

A Primary three teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Boy, what is your problem?”

Boy answered, “I’m too smart for Primary three. My sister is in Primary six and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in Primary six too!”

The Teacher had enough. She took the boy to the Headmaster’s office.

While the boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the Headmaster what the situation was. The Headmaster told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to Primary three and behave. She agreed.

The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Headmaster: “What is 3 x 3?”

Boy: “9”.

Headmaster: “What is 6 x 6?”

Boy: “36”.

And so it went with every question the Headmaster thought a Primary six pupil should know. The Headmaster looked at the teacher and told her, “I think the boy can go to Primary six.”

The teacher said to the Headmaster, “I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?” The Headmaster and the boy both agreed.

The teacher asked, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?

Boy: (after a moment) “Legs.”

Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

Boy: “Pockets.”

Teacher: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy: Coconut

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The Headmaster’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge.

Boy: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

(The Headmaster’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer…)

Boy: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?

Boy: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.

The Headmaster was looking restless, a bit tensed.

Boy: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Boy: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow.

Teacher: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means lot of heat and excitement?

Boy: Fire truck

Teacher: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ & if you don’t get it you have to use your hand.

Boy: Fork

Teacher: What is it that all men have, it’s longer in some men than in others, the Pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife after they’re married?

Boy: Surname

Teacher: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?

Boy: HEART.

The Headmaster breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
“Send this Boy to College, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!”