Family Life, Published Articles

Joysuo: Should Women Enjoy Sex Like Men?

Today I saw a tweet about 60-year-old women not needing sex, and I shook my head not just because this is ridiculous, but because it applies only to women.

My mum called me one day and as we talked, she mentioned that a certain member of her church (where I grew up) was remarrying. I was shocked. “Is it not yesterday Aunty died?” I shouldn’t have let that come out of my mouth; I should have known what would follow. “Hmm, my dear, that’s men for you o. If it was sista do you think she would even have remarried, not to talk about this quickly?”

I had been mildly upset that he was remarrying so quickly, but my greater annoyance at the end of that phone call was not with him. It was with us, women, and the role we unwittingly play in perpetuating the myths that keep us bound. From the time I was a little girl, I heard and saw things that I struggled to make sense of.  I would sit around while older women talked about issues, and learn things that made me wonder how I would ever fit into society. From a tender age I suspected they were either myths, or I was strange.

“If tosay na woman wey hin husband die, you think say she for marry again?” “For where!”

Listening to the discussions that usually followed such assertions, you would draw the following conclusions; women don’t really like sex, and they just do it to keep the man satisfied. Consequently, whereas a widower would need to remarry- sometimes quickly- because of his sexual needs, a woman has no such needs and should therefore stay unmarried for the rest of her life. Also wrapped up in this is the fact that the woman is nobler, purer and more worthy of praise than the man, because she does not need sex.

When I was a newlywed my mum always reminded me, “Never deny your husband sex.” And I would laugh, and laugh, and laugh, because I couldn’t say to her, “Mummy forget that thing, I need am pass the guy sef.” She would be mortified.

I know there are many women who have yet to embrace their sexuality. One wife told her husband, “I’ve given you a son, I’ve given you a daughter. Sex for what again??” When he tried to make her see reason, she said, “Please I am not one of those spoilt girls.” If I hadn’t heard this from the frustrated hubby himself I wouldn’t have believed it.

A few weeks later I was at a meeting for women and an older woman seated beside me pointed to the lady who had just taken the microphone and whispered, “She ought not to have remarried, because of her position and her age.” I was aghast. The lady in question was a widowed ordained minister who had married a widower gentleman, in the Lord. I did not even know she was in her early sixties; she looked to be in her late forties. Who made these rules, I wondered? Had she stopped functioning as a woman simply because she was a minister or because she had reached 60?

Am I saying every widow should remarry? No. I am just saying that a woman who remarries is not committing any crime, and neither is the one who chooses not to. Women have physical needs just as men do, and people are different, male or female.

Some women remarry not for physical intimacy but for financial stability, or companionship. There’s nothing wrong with that.

A lot of women also have valid reasons choosing not to remarry, many of which I applaud. Some stay unmarried to safeguard the future of their children (many African cultures are complex and usually not in a widow’s favour), some stay unmarried for the simple reason that no other man they have met can fill their late husband’s shoes.

But please, don’t come and tell me you felt no need to remarry because you don’t have sexual needs and that this makes you more virtuous than the woman who does.

Acknowledging and celebrating your sexuality as a woman is one of the most important things you can ever do. How did we embrace this “sex is for husbands” rubbish?

I blame the older women for this. I understand that female genital mutilation tampers with a woman’s sexuality, hence many of them did/do not enjoy sex. I also understand that some husbands are unskilled and their wives get little or no pleasure. What I do not understand is the perpetuation of the notion that women who love sex are not normal. One older woman actually told me, “Those ones are dogs.”

No be all old women sha. I remember living in the home of a couple who are close friends of my parents, about a decade ago. I spent most of my time with the children, but their octogenarian paternal grandmother (now of blessed memory) was living with them, and the woman had stories! Mostly stories about the places she had travelled to as a young woman, but sometimes funny stories like the time she went to fetch water and a guy asked if he could look at her breasts. It was the relish with which she told those stories that amused me. She took such delight in them, I suspected she had been a sensual young woman. Then one day, she confirmed my suspicions.

My mum came into town to spend the night with us, and she didn’t come out of her room till late morning. I knew she had been praying, but Mama didn’t even think about that.

“Ah, you’re finally out. I didn’t know your husband was around o.”

I think my mum knew where she was headed but feigned ignorance. “Ah, Mama, what would my husband being around have to do with my not coming out of the room? I was praying o.”

“What kind of question is that? I thought your husband was around and you were having sex.”

“Since morning, Mama?” My mum asked.

“Yes now, when my husband was alive, even after he was done I wouldn’t let him come out. I would ask him to stay inside.”

The look on my mother’s face was priceless, hahaha!

Mama wey sabi! Rest in peace ma’am!

 

 

I wrote this article last month. It was first published on sabinews.com

Uncategorized

Joysuo: Married Sex and the Female Orgasm

Last night I was a guest on #MySexuality, a teaching series which has its leaning on adult expression of sexuality backed by the word of God. I was asked to speak on the topic Orgasm: The Ultimate Sexual Destination (A Female Perspective).

You can read the tweets on my Twitter page for married couples, @joysuo. You can also search the hashtag #MySexuality, or click here for the storified version of my tweets. I hope you find a thing or two to encourage you in your marriage. Blessings!

 

 

Family Life

Joysuo: 5 Simple Ways to Juice Up Married Sex

It is no news that the factors which lead to boredom once the dotted lines are signed are many.

You’re now having sex with a relative, and only with that person for the rest of your life. The demands of building a career and earning a living, especially in big cities where many couples spend hours in traffic, can take a toll on a couple. Add children of various ages to the mix, and it’s easy to fall into bed, and settle for bland two-minute sex before rolling over to sleep off the stress of a hard day.

Here are a few things you can try whenever you need to get the juices flowing in that department:

1. Get out of the bedroom

Making love only in the bedroom all the time is a surefire way to plunge your sex life into the doldrums of monotony. Whenever you get some alone time, or the kids are deep asleep, try the kitchen, bathroom, living room, anywhere but your good old bed. This alone can bring in a new flavour you’ll enjoy.

2. Try a new position

It is not for nothing that the missionary position has been dear to couples for ages. The intimacy of being face to face brings about a unique bond. Still, inasmuch as missionary is a staple, it is very important for couples to try other positions from time to time. It not only keeps boredom at bay, it also makes it possible for you to explore pleasure zones you may not have known of before. This applies not only to intercourse, but also to foreplay; if you’re used to lying down during foreplay, why not try sitting up?

3. Put on some music and dance

There’s a reason why the phrase “baby-making music” exists. Music nourishes love, as we all know, and if as you listen you can dance to the music, looking into each other’s eyes or rubbing against each other while locking lips, things can get steamy real quick.

4. Slip on a condom

Worrying about getting pregnant before you are ready can be a distraction and a dampener, so condoms are great for birth control, but they can also increase your pleasure in various ways. For instance, condoms can make him last longer if you both want to try that, and the ribbed and dotted ones create a different sensation for her too. Delicious!

5. Get away from the kids for a few hours

If you can arrange proper childcare that will enable you to have a few hours of intimacy without being worried about the kids, it’s totally worth it. You can use this time to rest (which is very important for great sex), bond with each other, and then dive into a memorable session, the recollection of which will spark a fire when you’re back to your regular routine.

Being married does not have to mean boring sex forever. In fact, it should be the opposite. Go for it!

 

Family Life, Uncategorized

Joysuo: How Virginity Almost Destroyed My Marriage

Someone tweeted a post with that heading and I thought, is there no end to this foolishness? Dear writer of that post, and all others who think their sex life is crappy because they married as virgins, let me let you in on a secret… Everyone was once a virgin. Did you know that? Woooow!

I’d be surprised if you did, because you sound like some people were born virgins and others were not. EVERYBODY was a virgin and then they had sex one day! How does the fact that a woman had sex with a boyfriend first, while your own first time was with your husband, make her good at it and you bad at it? People start having sex, and then they learn and get better at it, period!

Stop sounding like you’re bad in bed because you married as a virgin. You would still be bad in bed if you were having sex with a boyfriend. Good sex is learned, by good learners. And I can already tell you are a very poor learner because instead of thinking of how to improve, like a normal person, you’re whining about virginity being a threat to your marriage. As if the porn star was not also a virgin once.

Please go and take a seat. In fact, take several seats. Your ignorance, not virginity, is to blame.

Who go sabi, go sabi.

 

 

Family Life

Joysuo: Top 5 Mistakes Virgins and the People Who Marry Them Make   

There is nothing wrong with saving sex for marriage. In fact, there is everything right with it. Virginity is honourable and healthy, and while some may not think so, there is beauty in giving your body to just one person all the days of your life. However, people who marry as virgins face challenges and abstinence gets a bad rap as a result. Here are just 5 of the mistakes that create problems:

1. Not cultivating an open mind: Sexual repression is something many Nigerian women still struggle with, even in marriage. I believe the church has to learn how to raise girls who are pure and yet not repressed. One wife said to me nearly two years after her wedding night, “Sometimes when I have sex with my husband it still feels like a sin.” This is certainly not something that brings God joy; He created sex to be enjoyed without guilt. If you’re keeping your virginity until marriage, do so with the knowledge that sex in marriage is God-ordained and should be enjoyed to the fullest.

2. Being Unprepared: It’s hard to believe but there are still many young women who attempt to have sex for the first time with no lubricant, and no arrangements to clean up the blood (if any; not all virgins bleed) and semen. Sex is as messy as it is amazing. It can also be uncomfortable not just the first time, but the first few times. In fact, for some, uncomfortable is putting it mildly. I had to apologise to a friend who told me after her wedding night, “Joy, you didn’t tell me this thing was going to be soooo painful! It’s not fair!” I should have told her- it would have made it better, not worse. Be prepared. Read, ask questions, and learn. I’m not talking about learning techniques here. I’m talking about things like if you clench your muscles it will hurt more so it’s best to relax; if your virgin bride is fully aroused it doesn’t just create wetness but also causes the vaginal canal to elongate so that she can take more of you, so don’t rush things just because you have lube. Also, if it hurts too much it’s okay to stop, play, and resume. And so on. I recommend Tim and Beverly LaHaye’s The Act of Marriage. Awesome book packed with practical tips for beginners.

3. Expecting the first time- or first few times- to be perfect: “How long till it starts to feel good, Joy?” This is another question I get asked a lot. The truth is, it depends on a lot of factors, but the bottom line is that sex gets better the more you do it. So, keep at it, explore your bodies and learn what feels good. I’ve met wives who were made to feel bad about marrying as virgins and told that their sex lives would be better if they had some experience. This is cow poo. It’s not the before or after marriage that makes sex great. Good sex takes time, period. Sex in marriage isn’t about performance. You don’t have to practice before you show up, it’s not a presentation. All the practicing you need to do, you can do in marriage. You have the rest of your lives together.

4. Wanting to do everything at once: You want to do a hand job, blow job, give head and have sex in 7 positions all on your honeymoon. Slow down, friends. This is especially vital for brides who haven’t been sexually intimate at all before marriage (you know there are virgin-virgins and there are virgins who have done “everything but”). You can’t go from zero to ten just like that. Husband, please don’t rush your virgin bride; this is very important. She needs to get used to being seen naked, being touched, being penetrated…give her as much time as she needs, please. If you scratch an itch based on the way it itches, you’ll peel your skin. You want to create pleasant memories as much as possible, so take it slow.

5. Not prioritizing the relationship outside the bedroom: It is the relationship that determines the quality of the sex, not the other way around. So during the phase where you’re straightening out the kinks, don’t give in to the temptation to turn away from each other simply because sex doesn’t seem to be going as expected; it’s a trap. Turn towards each other instead.

Happy married life, happy married sex!

P.S.

Some practical advice: My twin brother Dr. Olamide Craig wrote a very helpful article about virginity and painful sex, in answer to a lady who lamented about not being able to have sex even 2 months after the wedding night… Read it HERE, and remember that even hubby’s fingers can help make penetration easier, and patience is key!

Family Life, Spirituality

Joysuo: How to be Married to a Man Who Does Not Know How to be a Husband

No, this post does not provide solutions to that dilemma. One of the most common challenges workers in women’s ministry face today is the changing curriculum. Today, their charge is not simply to learn and teach women how to submit, but also how to submit to HUSBANDS WHO DO NOT LOVE AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH. Many husbands do not know what their leadership role entails; they think it is to bark and roar at their wives. Well done, Lion of the Tribe of my House.

Then there are others who confuse being a good father with being a good husband. You provide for your kids and you even bathe them, therefore you are a good husband.

We have an abundance of older women teaching younger women how to be good wives. We appeal to the older men to please stand up and show the younger ones the way.

I am not here to tell you that your wife has needs, and that if you’re not meeting them you make her vulnerable to advances and pressure from other men. I will leave that to the movies, as I am here to spur you to good works and not to paranoia.

Your wife does not merely need to be provided for; she needs to be pursued, she needs affection, she needs to be listened to and she needs to be LOVED. She is not meant to be chasing you, you are the leader. Unless you set out to be a failure as a husband, then on behalf of Wise Wives all over the world, I charge you as the Spirit does:

“In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church.” Ephesians 5:28-29.

Obedience is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams…

Family Life

Joysuo: Of Reference Points and Married Sex

A few months ago, Pastor Ifeanyi Adefarasin was teaching us (Women to Women Seminar) about discipline in raising kids. We had talked about how important it was for children to keep their father’s authority in mind.

At this seminar, I learnt that when raising children, it is important to have a reference point for discipline. Pastor Ifeanyi told us how her little son misbehaved one day, and his father flogged him thoroughly. Why so hard? Reference point. So that tomorrow, “Daddy will flog you” will carry weight. When that child hears those words now, he behaves himself immediately. He knows what that means, he knows what daddy can do. That alone is enough for him to go years without getting a beating. The power of a reference point!

So, this was parenting class, but you know me…I was also thinking about . I’m addressing husbands because they are our heads and leaders. Does your wife know what you can do? Have you ever taken time to really, seriously pleasure her in an unforgettable way?

You know, that kind where her eyeballs roll back into her head and she’s gripping the sheets? Have you really, really done your wife? I think such a reference point is necessary too for couples. So that the next time you’re putting the moves on her, and she says not in the mood…

Enough said.

 

Marriage is honourable among all, the bed undefiled…Hebrews 13:4

Family Life, Spirituality

Joysuo: Twitter TL- Dr. Tony Rapu’s #MarriedMen

Yesterday was a wonderful day for many, not only because of the World Cup finale, but because of Dr. Tony Rapu’s Twitter TL.

Dr, Rapu is Senior Pastor of This Present House, Lekki, Lagos, and he posted a series of wonderful tweets with the hashtag #MarriedMen. People who are familiar with my ministry will understand why this was exciting for me. These tweets were a confirmation of things I’ve been saying- more delicious coming from a man though!

Here are a few of them:

********

Working on your marriage is also the man’s job.

Stroke your wife’s hair.

Don’t call your wife mummy. She is not your mum.

Read a book together with your wife. A book in the bible is a good idea.

Stop shouting at your wife. She can hear you.

Spend a weekend at a hotel with your wife.

The bible says your prayers will be bouncing back from the ceiling when you don’t treat your wife with respect (1 Peter 3:7)

Please leave your parents out of your marriage. She didn’t marry your father.

Your wife is not inferior and should not be made to feel so.

Be a spiritual leader not a spiritual dominator.

********

All we are saying…

See Dr. Tony Rapu’s TL for more nuggets of wisdom.

Marriage is to be enjoyed, not endured!

 

PS

Myne Whitman of Romance Meets Life has published a post about Dr. Tony Rapu’s tweets for married men, and she has been so gracious as to storify the tweets so we’ll always have them. Awesome!

Family Life

Joysuo: Is Your Marriage On Auto Pilot?

Are you working your marriage, or are you expecting it to just work? Keeping a marriage healthy and beautiful is not just a wife’s job- it takes two, husband and wife.

You wake up, go through your morning routine, go to work, come back home exhausted, eat and fall asleep. Every day. Continue like this and you’ll land in a counsellor’s office, if not divorce court, in no time.

People think it is love that sustains marriage but that’s not true. It is commitment and understanding. How can you understand your partner if you don’t take time to study them?

If you don’t spend time and energy keeping the marriage now, you’ll spend it answering loved ones’  arranging child custody and visitation, dividing property…ugh. Divorce is more stress, believe.

You have to find what nourishes your marriage, and feed it. Spend time together gisting and laughing. Spend time together addressing serious issues like adults, without quarreling and fighting. Don’t just have sex, make love. Be mentally, emotionally and physically present and involved. There’s a reason it’s called knowing- know each other intimately. Make plans together, pray together. Couples don’t naturally grow together; they grow apart, that’s the default. That’s why you must make conscious effort to grow together.

Auto pilot is for aircrafts, not for marriage. Steer your marriage.