Family Life, Published Articles

Is More Sex What Your Marriage Needs?

Husband is stingy? More sex will open his hand. Husband won’t get off his behind and pull his weight financially? There’s nothing like more sex to motivate and transform a man! Husband is beating you? Satisfy him sexually; men don’t beat women who satisfy them sexually. Husband is cheating? Have more sex with him, learn different styles and tricks – this will save your marriage. Don’t you just wish? Continue reading…

Family Life, Published Articles

Extravagant Love

Am I the only one who wonders wetin Chrissy Teigen give John Legend chop? What kind of love does a person give to have a song like All of Me written about them, ehn?

The thing about seeing lovers who are hooked on each other and have a fabulous relationship is that it usually looks effortless. The same goes for straight-A students, chart-topping artistes and just about any successful person you can think of. In fact, they often look like they’re just having fun. However, if you’re good at anything at all, you know it takes effort. To have a good marriage, you need to put in the work, but what about a great marriage? Read more…

Published Articles

What Can Natural Hair Teach Us About Marriage?

If natural hair is a serious commitment, then marriage is an even more serious one, not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly. And once you’re in, there are certain things you must keep in mind. Here are 5 things married couples can learn from savvy naturalistas:

1. They know what their hair needs:

Natural hair needs water. Water is the ultimate moisture, not hair oils, butters or creams. That’s why one of the first things a naturalista buys is a spray bottle. Water is LIFE to natural hair. The other things are applied to seal in the moisture, they are not the moisture. What does your marriage need to thrive? Does your partner crave quality time with you? Do they thrive off your words of affirmation? Do they need you to help more around the house or support them in achieving their dreams? When you both find what pumps life into your marriage and make those things priority, marriage becomes easier and more enjoyable. Sex is vital in marriage but only when it’s sealing in the important things. Without them it tends towards hollowness after a while. Read more…

Family Life, Published Articles

Why Do Women Stay in Unhappy Marriages?

It’s never black and white when it comes to staying or leaving.

We know that if a woman is being abused, she should remove herself from that situation immediately; but what if she is just unhappy? The general consensus seems to be that if your marriage makes you happy, you should stay, and if you’re unhappy you should walk out. Sometimes we even turn up our noses at those who stay despite being unhappy; they’re either hypocrites, or they are slaves to society’s idea that an unhappily married woman is “still better” than an unmarried one.

Sometimes though, that’s not the case. I asked some women who chose to stay in their marriages despite being unhappy or unfulfilled, and here’s what I got… continue reading

Published Articles

5 Myths Only Mills and Boon Lovers Will Understand

I read my first Mills & Boon novel when I was 9. It was a “Doctor-Nurse Romance” titled The Cry of the Swan. It took seven years and nearly 100 M&B novels for me to decide I’d had enough. Prior to that turning point, you couldn’t find me without an M&B novel. I remember once in Literature class when Mr. Robert caught me reading Ripe for the Picking while he was teaching and asked me to stand in front of the class and tell the story.  Was I ashamed? Not one bit, but I pretended to be so he could release me and give back the book he had seized. I would meet complete strangers and we would bond immediately over M&B and start an “exchanging” relationship. Remember those days?

When I emerged best student in WAEC English Language in my State, some of my classmates tried to attribute it to Mills & Boon. My people, the glory for that A1 goes to my dad who bought me proper books and my aunt who read them to me. What did I gain from M&B? Read more…

Published Articles

Can You Stop a Man From Cheating?

Last week, I was at the pharmacy with a friend who, like me, recently lost a bit of weight. Our pharmacist was commending us, and tacked on something along the lines of “Una no wan gree at all o, una no want make oga look outside.”

Growing up, I knew a lovely lady whom everyone adored. She was beautiful, the kind of beautiful that made people say God created her on a Sunday. Tall, shapely, with creamy skin that glowed, she was also intelligent, classy, and brilliant at her craft. She was the kind of woman I thought no man could ever have reason to cheat on. Her death came as a shock, and her husband sat on the floor surrounded by her photos and bawled like a baby, his head cradled in his hands. When he remarried soon after and I learnt that his new wife had been his side chick, everything I thought I knew about cheating turned to vapour. Read more…

Published Articles

5 Little Things to Make Your Marriage Sizzle in 2016

I’m a huge believer in the power of small changes. There are so many little things you can start doing or stop doing that will change your life, as cliché as that sounds. If the sameness of marriage was an issue for you in 2015, there are little things you can try that will infuse your marriage with new life. Here are a few of my tried and tested favourites:

1. Hug: I’m not even being cute here. As babies, touch was one of the first languages of love we learnt. Even as toddlers, being picked up or held was one of the major ways we heard “I love you”, before we understood what the words really meant. Now we are adults and we think hugs don’t matter anymore but they do, very much. Agree to drop whatever you’re doing when they come in and just hug for a few seconds. Walk up to them unexpectedly and hug them from behind. There’s science to this thing but I’m not a science student so let’s not go there. If you know about the hormones released and stuff please leave a comment, thanks!

Read more…

Family Life, Published Articles

Joysuo: Should Women Enjoy Sex Like Men?

Today I saw a tweet about 60-year-old women not needing sex, and I shook my head not just because this is ridiculous, but because it applies only to women.

My mum called me one day and as we talked, she mentioned that a certain member of her church (where I grew up) was remarrying. I was shocked. “Is it not yesterday Aunty died?” I shouldn’t have let that come out of my mouth; I should have known what would follow. “Hmm, my dear, that’s men for you o. If it was sista do you think she would even have remarried, not to talk about this quickly?”

I had been mildly upset that he was remarrying so quickly, but my greater annoyance at the end of that phone call was not with him. It was with us, women, and the role we unwittingly play in perpetuating the myths that keep us bound. From the time I was a little girl, I heard and saw things that I struggled to make sense of.  I would sit around while older women talked about issues, and learn things that made me wonder how I would ever fit into society. From a tender age I suspected they were either myths, or I was strange.

“If tosay na woman wey hin husband die, you think say she for marry again?” “For where!”

Listening to the discussions that usually followed such assertions, you would draw the following conclusions; women don’t really like sex, and they just do it to keep the man satisfied. Consequently, whereas a widower would need to remarry- sometimes quickly- because of his sexual needs, a woman has no such needs and should therefore stay unmarried for the rest of her life. Also wrapped up in this is the fact that the woman is nobler, purer and more worthy of praise than the man, because she does not need sex.

When I was a newlywed my mum always reminded me, “Never deny your husband sex.” And I would laugh, and laugh, and laugh, because I couldn’t say to her, “Mummy forget that thing, I need am pass the guy sef.” She would be mortified.

I know there are many women who have yet to embrace their sexuality. One wife told her husband, “I’ve given you a son, I’ve given you a daughter. Sex for what again??” When he tried to make her see reason, she said, “Please I am not one of those spoilt girls.” If I hadn’t heard this from the frustrated hubby himself I wouldn’t have believed it.

A few weeks later I was at a meeting for women and an older woman seated beside me pointed to the lady who had just taken the microphone and whispered, “She ought not to have remarried, because of her position and her age.” I was aghast. The lady in question was a widowed ordained minister who had married a widower gentleman, in the Lord. I did not even know she was in her early sixties; she looked to be in her late forties. Who made these rules, I wondered? Had she stopped functioning as a woman simply because she was a minister or because she had reached 60?

Am I saying every widow should remarry? No. I am just saying that a woman who remarries is not committing any crime, and neither is the one who chooses not to. Women have physical needs just as men do, and people are different, male or female.

Some women remarry not for physical intimacy but for financial stability, or companionship. There’s nothing wrong with that.

A lot of women also have valid reasons choosing not to remarry, many of which I applaud. Some stay unmarried to safeguard the future of their children (many African cultures are complex and usually not in a widow’s favour), some stay unmarried for the simple reason that no other man they have met can fill their late husband’s shoes.

But please, don’t come and tell me you felt no need to remarry because you don’t have sexual needs and that this makes you more virtuous than the woman who does.

Acknowledging and celebrating your sexuality as a woman is one of the most important things you can ever do. How did we embrace this “sex is for husbands” rubbish?

I blame the older women for this. I understand that female genital mutilation tampers with a woman’s sexuality, hence many of them did/do not enjoy sex. I also understand that some husbands are unskilled and their wives get little or no pleasure. What I do not understand is the perpetuation of the notion that women who love sex are not normal. One older woman actually told me, “Those ones are dogs.”

No be all old women sha. I remember living in the home of a couple who are close friends of my parents, about a decade ago. I spent most of my time with the children, but their octogenarian paternal grandmother (now of blessed memory) was living with them, and the woman had stories! Mostly stories about the places she had travelled to as a young woman, but sometimes funny stories like the time she went to fetch water and a guy asked if he could look at her breasts. It was the relish with which she told those stories that amused me. She took such delight in them, I suspected she had been a sensual young woman. Then one day, she confirmed my suspicions.

My mum came into town to spend the night with us, and she didn’t come out of her room till late morning. I knew she had been praying, but Mama didn’t even think about that.

“Ah, you’re finally out. I didn’t know your husband was around o.”

I think my mum knew where she was headed but feigned ignorance. “Ah, Mama, what would my husband being around have to do with my not coming out of the room? I was praying o.”

“What kind of question is that? I thought your husband was around and you were having sex.”

“Since morning, Mama?” My mum asked.

“Yes now, when my husband was alive, even after he was done I wouldn’t let him come out. I would ask him to stay inside.”

The look on my mother’s face was priceless, hahaha!

Mama wey sabi! Rest in peace ma’am!

 

 

I wrote this article last month. It was first published on sabinews.com